Part IV – Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life

Tom’s life IS very empty. How could it not be when he is never satisfied with what he has. “It’s not having what you want, its wanting what you’ve got”-Sheryl Crowe

May 25, 2011 – Back to court -this is for Tom’s Temporary Order. The judge had not read our files. What a surprise (not). You gotta love York County’s judicial system…I have never witnessed so much chaos and total lack of organization. Therefore, the Judge did not read all the hateful emails Tom sent me or the evidence of him blatantly and maliciously keeping my daughter from me – w/e. The judge ordered a GAL (guardian Ad Litem)-this is a person, usually an attorney that deals with social work and or adoptions, to schedule home visits with me and my daughter AND with Tom and our daughter. The judge allowed Tom to have TEMPORARY full custody until all the evaluations were complete. Changing ‘custody’ is a very serious issue but still…if the Judge had READ the file, he would know! *frustrated face*

On a good note, the Judge did order that I receive 2 ‘additional’ weeks that summer to make up for my lack of time with her, which equated to me having 6 weeks and Tom having 4. I thought his head was going to explode as we left the courtroom. That felt good. I laughed out loud.

Summer 2011 – Things are going along great! The process is coming along (slowly but still getting everything done that the Judge ordered us to do). Tom can’t do anything about the schedule and we barely communicated – thank God.

July 2011 – The Guardian (Hollie) came for her home visit. She was wonderful! She and I talked for about 3 hours, spoke with my Mom for about 30 mins and then Ava for about 45 mins. I overheard a few things that Ava was saying…well because I had my ear pressed against the wall *laugh* She told Hollie that she missed her mom so much and wanted more time with me. Made my heart sink …. again.

Of course, good things don’t last. Our daughter’s summer vacation went from June 13 – August 17 = 10 weeks AND 3 days. The judge only allocated 10 weeks in his order. According to the way the schedule was laid out, I was to have her those last 3 days before school started (Sun-Tues night)- she started school on a Wednesday. Below is what the order states:

“In the event this case is not resolved ‘prior’ to the commencement of school in August, the Standard Parenting Schedule and Guidelines shall control: (this is what the schedule says) – “I get the first 2 weeks of summer, Tom get the weekend in between. He gets the next 2 weeks and I get the weekend in between.”

This particular summer I had her until July 31, 2011 which was a Sunday. Tom was to have her the following 2 weeks – Aug 1-Aug 14. This leaves me with the last 3 days of her summer vacation. And to no ones surprise, he kept her those days. I emailed him numerous times before August 14th ensuring that he would meet me so I could pick her up. We all know what’s coming right? Yes, he kept her.

My attorney was in the hospital during that time so I called Hollie (our Guardian)-she in turn called Tom’s attorney. Tom’s reason for this?? He thought ‘prior’ to school commencing meant ‘after’ school started so therefore we would be going back to our normal schedule (every other weekend and every other Thurs night for me). Check the previous paragraph above. Playing dumb didn’t really work for him this time. Tom finally conceded to offering me a few ‘evenings’ over the course of the next two weeks. Um no-I was entitled to 3 OVERNIGHTS during weekends. He fought this.

Early September 2011  –  Filed my third complaint.  This time it’s a “Contempt of Court Order”.

October 2011 – Went to court for the Contempt order. We had yet another Judge who didn’t know my case…*teeth grinding*. He didn’t find Tom in contempt of court HOWEVER, he did give him a nice long lecture on Parenting. He also said that what he did was wrong and Tom knew it and that’s Bad Parenting and he awarded me 3 weekend nights. 🙂 I was satisfied-for the moment and it was ‘on the record’.

Thanksgiving 2011 – This was my year to have Ava for the holiday. We had a wonderful time! No issues.

December 2011 – My schedule that year was that I would have her the first week of her vacation. Tom would have her the second week. My son came home for two weeks. Everything was awesome!! They were having the best time together-it truly is amazing the bond between a brother and sister. Even though they didn’t see each other very much, it was like they were never apart. Loved it!

Christmas Eve 2011 – Ava came down with a fever-103 to be exact. Poor thing…I felt so bad for her. When ‘Santa’ came she was so sick she wasn’t even really excited. 😦 Her fever went on into Christmas Day when I was supposed to take her back to Tom’s. I sent him a text stating that she was ill and I was not going to take her out in the freezing cold when she still had a fever. He was furious! (Yes you read that right)….I received a text from HIS WIFE and I quote: “She can be sick at our house, see you at 11am”… She must be kidding. That was NEVER going to happen and it didn’t.  Tom called several times and I finally allowed him to talk to her.  He made her feel so guilty about ‘wanting to stay at mommy’s’- that she started crying!!?  What is wrong with him?!

Some people just need a high five….in the face….with a chair

Part III – Welcome to the Karma Cafe. There are no menus. You just get…….. served.

January 2010 – Filed my first Parenting Time Complaint as Tom kept Ava for yet another 6 weeks.

February 2010 – I emailed him to schedule my weekend pickup (I always emailed him in advance for fear if I did not, he just wouldn’t show up). God I despised being at his mercy. He proceeded to let me know that they (he and his wife) decided not to meet me halfway any longer, ‘he didn’t have to and it disrupts their family schedule’. I think I threw up in my mouth a little. Seeing ‘EVIL’ yet?

Mid April 2010 – Parenting Time Complaint telephone hearing – the Referee of Oakland County. She told him that he would have to meet me half way and granted me various other visitation….VISITATION?? WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN?? WHEN DID I BECOME THE VISITING PARENT?? Did I abandon my child/ did I leave the country for a few years, return and want her back/did I drop her off at his doorstep and say ‘here, she’s yours’?? NO. HE TOOK HER AND NOW HE HAD CONTROL. I NEVER WANTED THIS EVER.

September 2010 – They finally move to Fort Mill. He called me September 27^th and said that they had been here for 2 weeks but didn’t want to tell me because ‘they needed time to get situated’?? My daughter told me later that ‘daddy said not to tell you because we wanted it to be a surprise’….(rolling my eyes)….give me a break. How do you tell your 9 year old child that her father is a complete narcissistic vile dumbass?! You don’t. You vent to your family and friends and go on with your life. Cancel my subscription I don’t need his issues.

October 2010 – I had Ava for my weekend. We were having dinner when she asked me again when we could be together more. This was so gut wrenching…..All I could say (in order to not upset her more than she already was) is ‘baby, I’m trying really hard to get more time with you…but your daddy doesn’t want us to be together’. The next thing she said was the final straw. “ Daddy said this is the schedule that YOU wanted. “ I broke. I cried. I told her that what he said was not true. We cried together.

Mid October – December 2010 – I am a broken record. Asking and asking and asking when we can get the original joint custody schedule back. Nadda….he’s not doing it. I continued to see my daughter every chance I could. As Tom didn’t want me to see her at all, he would never agree to any time other than my ‘ordered visitation’. I can’t tell you how many times I asked to take her and her asking him to see me. There were so many days that we both had the same days off (banking and school holidays are usually the same)-he said that ‘being with the sitter was better for her than being with me’. Unbelievable………………truly unbelievable.

Christmas 2010 – We had the court order in place to our schedule went according to that. No issues thank God!

January 2011 – Filed my second Parenting Time Complaint – they had been living within 20 minutes of me for 5 months and nothing has changed. What right did he have to do this to me and our daughter? He submitted a postponement to stall. He told the court he was ‘going to be out of the country’-um no. Lies…it was eventually scheduled for April 4, 2011.

February 2011 – Tom told me to ‘back off or else’….

March 31, 2011 – It was a Thursday night around 9pm. I was doing the dishes when there was a knock on my door – a processor was serving me with a “Notice for Temporary Relief” from Tom. He was suing me for full custody. Tom had told me earlier to back off from asking to see our daughter more and to not file the third Parenting Time Complaint or else….well now we know what the ‘or else’ meant.

The hearing was scheduled for May 25, 2011.

It was the strangest feeling. All this time I’d been avoiding retaining counsel because I didn’t think I could afford it AND it scared me to precede in that manner but the minute that server walked away from my house, I felt a complete sense of relief. I HAD to get an attorney. He would help me! He would help me get my child back.

As I read the ‘Complaint’ I’m very sure I actually laughed out loud. His reasons for filing for full custody were vast but here is the best one: “The Defendant relinquished physical custody of the minor child in April 2008” He was requesting that I pay child support, his attorney fees and ‘suit money’ (whatever that means). It also states that ‘the Plaintiff (Tom) cannot afford to pay his attorney’. I guess in his defense, he really can’t afford an attorney, what with the $300K house payment, the Porsche payment and the two other new car payments…

Dear God, please give me the strength to not punch him in the head. Amen.

**Please note that I have offered to help with school clothes, school supplies, camps, everything! He ALWAYS said ‘we don’t want your money or we prefer to it on our own’. Now I know why he didn’t want it. He wanted to get it from me ‘in court’.

April 4, 2011 – Second Parenting Time Complaint hearing (that I filed against him ‘before’ I received his complaint)- she awarded me an additional evening every week from after school to 8pm. Yea, great quality time there….not. That was really all she could do as there was ‘another pending case in York County-Tom’s filing for full custody’ and she felt that custody would change in our new county.

The night of April 4, 2011 – I’m tired. Tired of everything. Tired of him. I miss my girl more than I can say. It felt so good to cry….and I did it like it was my job.

April 11, 2011 – I retained my first (blood sucking) attorney. He filed an ‘Answer & Counterclaim’ for me which basically addressed all the BS in Tom’s Motion.

I think I’m going to invoke my 2nd amendment rights…..　

Part II – “Patience and perseverance have a magical effect before which difficulties disappear and obstacles vanish”

“Patience and perseverance have a magical effect before which difficulties disappear and obstacles vanish”…my ass.

Getting along with all kinds of people is what I do best. He had and has no interest in any of that. Hatred will eat you up inside and make you an ugly person. That is exactly what has happened to him. I feel pity for the person he is now. That being said, this is not intended for any reader to hate him. He isn’t worth the effort. It is to tell my story and the injustice I have been facing for the last 4 years.

Late September 08 – At the advice from Oakland County, I filed a change of address in hopes that they would help me if they had my current information. (all it did was put it ‘back’ in their jurisdiction-they really could care less) My daughter had been in school there for over 2 months at this point. As I still wasn’t receiving any relief from the Court and didn’t feel it would be fair to my daughter to pull her out of school, I sadly and with complete hesitation decided I had no other option but to let him keep her for that ONE school year. We agreed to meet every weekend half way between Augusta and Atlanta, along with breaks and vacations.  Loneliness was never so present in my life.

June 09 – I called him to discuss putting her in school in my district for the next academic year. Of course he said ‘No, that’s not going to happen. She is settled here now.” At this point, I was like “Fine, I will just move to Augusta.” I will suck it up and take a crappy job somewhere. I couldn’t do it anymore. I missed her too much and needed to be with her. She needed her Mother.  About a week later, he called to inform me that his company was being relocated to Charlotte, NC and that if I was going to move anyway, I might as well move there. The relo was scheduled for December 2009.

September 09 – I relocated to Charlotte and was offered a great job Uptown.

We continued with the weekend visits and every other holiday and vacations.

Thanksgiving vacation 09 – I had her for the week! We had an amazing time (as we always do together). She was asking how long it was going to be before we would be together again. I told her that once they moved to Charlotte we will have our time back. I hate disappointing her….

From April to December 09 I kept asking him when they were moving.  He said they would be in Charlotte by December 09 and that I was to ‘back off’ (again).

Dec 14 09 – I called to schedule my time with her for Christmas vacation. My son was to fly out December 18. They hadn’t seen each other in a long time and I was so excited for them to spend some time together. The paperwork from Oakland County didn’t specify actual dates for Christmas vacation. Tom told me that she didn’t want to see me and they were going to Oregon to visit family on the 23rd. I asked to talk to my daughter.   He said she was at a sleepover. Why was he doing this to me? More importantly, why was he doing this to HER, his OWN child? He has lied every step of the way, this time was no exception.

I didn’t see my daughter for 36 days, including Christmas.

He is morally vacant and incapable of empathy.

I Pray He Gets Hit By The Karma Train -Part I

Preface:  Before you read this I just want you to know that even though this is my story, I am not looking for anyone to feel sorry for me, not even remotely close to that.  I am a strong women.  This is about the court system and how it has failed a Mother. A very good Mother.   This IS for all the people who automatically assume that if the Mother doesn’t have custody of their child that it is in someway HER fault. As if there is some deep dark secret that is not being disclosed.  That is not the case here.  ↓

So there’s this thing called Divorce. For most people you file the paperwork, pay the attorney and it’s over, done, final. That was not the case for me. I’m fairly confident I married one of the most evil men ever. The list would go something like this:

Osama Bin Ladin

Adolf Hitler

Tom

As I sit here in my 1,135 square foot apartment, barely making it financially, I find myself wondering for the life of me HOW the judge could possibly order me to pay $795 per month in child support for my 11 year old daughter?? Why would he ever order this of ME when my ex-husband has a $350,000 home, 3 brand new cars ( One of which is a 2011 Porsche Carerra-yes thats right), and makes double my income?! If this is a nightmare, can I wake up now??

The day I filed for divorce, my ex-husband, Tom and I were sitting outside on our deck with our baby girl. The weather was perfect…We were discussing (well HE was discussing) reconciling. I told him I didn’t want to be married to him anymore, for several reasons. He proceeded to tell me, and I quote: “I will make your life as miserable as humanly possible if you continue with this divorce”. Wow….he was not kidding.

I divorced him because his priorities were completely backwards and he wasn’t too keen on actually working, or even keeping a job for that matter. Of course, he always had some type of excuse as to why he wasn’t working, but never a legitimate one. At one point, he even went so far as to accuse me of having an affair with my boss at the time (gross). Really??

The only good thing that came out of my marriage is our daughter. She’s 11 and the love of my life (along with my son from a previous relationship). Tom finally got a job after about 4 years of being unemployed; the position was out-of-state. He asked me (tried to force me) to move where his new job was, along with our daughter. At first I said NO…we were established where we were and frankly, I didn’t trust him. However, after debating about it for close to six months, I decided our daughter needed both of her parents, so I reluctantly agreed. I moved us and paid for everything myself.

He remarried about a year after our divorce was final-she was pregnant (ruh roh). He kept telling me how happy he was….. over and over, as if to convince himself. I knew better, as he had been adamant about not wanting another child. Nonetheless I was hopeful his new marriage, and child, would keep him busy and off my back. Yea, not so much.

His new job was in a very small town and there was no work for me, so I was forced to move to the nearest large city, which was about 3 hours away. During the summer of our first year in a new state he had our daughter for the last two weeks of summer break – it was his scheduled time. I enrolled her in school where I lived and she was all set to start in mid August. We were both so excited for her to meet new friends, etc. We had even gone and met her teachers.

Then August 17th 2008 happened…

July 08 – Tom took our daughter to Michigan (where we had been living for the last 11 yrs) for the birth of their son. He said they would be gone 3 weeks. That was way too long for her to be away from me, but I thought it was good for her to be with them during their happy occasion. 2.5 weeks into the trip, I called him to find out the exact date they were returning. He very nonchalantly told me they would be staying for another 3 weeks. Now normally I’m a very rational person…. this was not one of the times. I flipped and said “NO, bring her home this week!” The next statement out of his mouth was the beginning of the end for me. “Just deal with it. We will be home in 3 weeks and there isn’t anything you can do about it.” Say what? Wow.

So as I sat there in my office I thought ‘ok Stef, get it together…what should I do?’. After composing myself I called Oakland County Friend of the Court, where our divorce was registered at the time. We had joint custody-legal and physical. Feeling pretty confident that they would help me, I explained the situation to our ‘Referee’ (that’s what Oakland County calls the family judges there). She rather coldly informed me that we ‘failed to notify them that we were moving out-of-state’, therefore the County couldn’t help me. Was she joking?? So much for that hope. HE in essence kidnapped my child, and because he is the father and I made an ‘honest’mistake, they won’t help the Mother?? Is this really how the court system works??

My mind went blank…. I felt like I was going to stop breathing.

Early August 08 – I finally got her back for MY last two weeks of her summer vacation.

Mid August 08 – He took her for HIS last two weeks of summer vacation with her and enrolled her in school where he lived….WITHOUT MY CONSENT OR AUTHORIZATION. He listed his current wife as MY daughters Mother. My name was no-where on any paperwork. Are you kidding me? (Actually after he emailed me and said I was’ just her biological mother’, I knew there would be problems ahead). He had my daughter and lived 3 hours away from me. To say I was terrified is a complete understatement.

Now I’m sure 99.9% of you who are reading this are thinking ‘why didn’t you just drive the 3 hours, pick her up from school, and take her back home?’ Well, Tom isn’t a ‘normal’ parent and somewhere inside me I was afraid of what he would do (I can admit that now). He is extremely controlling, arrogant (a God complex if you will), mentally manipulative, and usually gets what he wants. As he couldn’t get me back, his only option was to take our child. I KNEW if I went and picked her up, he would turn around and do the same exact thing the next time he had her. I could not do that to my daughter; she was already going through enough with the divorce and our recent move. My main concern has always been her ‘well being’.